When I was a kid, I always dreamed of having sports cars and mansions and models and even private jets, basically a rich spoilt billionaire lifestyle. And now that I’m older, I realized how stupid it was of me to think my life could be ever like that. Now I dream of a mortgage free life, with no credit card bills, a secure source of income, a stable relationship and a peaceful weekend. Yeah, that is the dream now.
While there is nothing wrong with the latter, that was never the life I wanted. My quarrel with the world is how ruthlessly it killed my dream. How heartlessly the world broke it. I know many people will say “This is real life, get over it. You are not the only one with the problems.” I know I’m not the only one with problems, and I know what life is, but all I asked for was to be let down easy.
You know how they say to always be strong and never give up, well it is hard work. I felt exhausted with the constant fight, the always ‘stay strong’ bullshit. I deserved a day off, a day to be weak. I was tired of this. The only thing that kept me going was hope.
Having hope is good. Hope is what made me keep moving, but I had to limit my hopes otherwise, it all became so suffocating. Funny how that works. You should have hope but not too much or else you’ll realize how disappointing it all is. The world has a sadistic sense of humor. It enjoys your misery. It feeds on it. It stripped me off of all my morality, my decency, my compassion. I never wanted to become the man I am but I couldn’t be the same man and survive the world. This is when I lost it all, the feelings, the hope, the soul. That is what the world took away from me.
I feel it is easier to not to care. The constant disappointment and hopelessness were killing me. You can stay strong and feel every bit of it or not feel anything at all. I changed into something I’m not proud of but this man can go toe to toe with the world. Sure the world is much stronger and I’ve been knocked down before, repeatedly. But I am tougher than ever, impervious to pain, to suffering. I don’t feel any of it. I think this is what people mean when they say I changed. They look for someone who once had feelings or compassion, not this man. This man doesn’t care. This man doesn’t love. This man wears a smile to show the world that he is still the same person but deep down he knows he left a big part of him behind.
This is the reason I can’t love or can’t have a family of my own. Because a family requires a man who cares, has a heart, who loves. I try to show the people around me that I’m the same man but the truth is I barely recognize myself. So I started to pretend, pretending to feel, pretending to have fun. I even pretend to enjoy with my friends now but I can see it in their eyes that they know I’m not the same person they once knew. But they don’t say anything. Perhaps they know why. Perhaps they changed too.
In my opinion, when people ask you to grow up, this is what the actually mean. Because a child has feelings for everything. That is why it is so easy to hurt a child. Because he trusts without doubt. Granted he gets hurt a lot, but at least he gets to feel what many of us haven’t felt in years.
Sometimes the old me tries to come back. Sometimes I feel happy. But then I realize how fragile it all is and I can’t be that way. That is when I change to this man. The man without hope or feelings, tough. Ready to fight the world.